just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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