So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Let's get the cat blown out
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
