totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
