so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
