So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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