can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
