I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
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I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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