i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
