we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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