People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
