Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
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Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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