She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
