you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
