I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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