I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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