Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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