Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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