She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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