Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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