I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
