i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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