I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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