i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
