when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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