70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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