How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Did I show you my penis last night?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.