Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch