Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.