i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
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I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest