I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
