I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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