How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
