just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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