the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
