Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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