I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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