I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
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