im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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