Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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