It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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