Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
