Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
