so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
