Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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