the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
