Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
