Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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