I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Houston, we have a squirter
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
