There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
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