A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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