It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
