you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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