I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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