1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
