she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
