Non-Jews are for practice
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
