I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
