yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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