Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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