he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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