He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
