I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
