he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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