saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
