Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
this hospital has no fireball
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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