The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
