I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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